Updated: Nov 9, 2020
Falling in love is easy, it’s the act of growing in love that’s the real test. Often for individuals with low self-esteem and issues of confidence, it is more than just a test – it is outright war. The constant battle between what your mind tells you and what the truth is, recurrently affects their romantic relationships.
Stop Searching for a Saviour
Maybe you belong to a family with many children, with parents trying their best to make ends meet. Many recipients were fighting for their love and attention, and you always felt shortchanged. Pair that with a lack of confidence and lack of attention, and you have a lethal combination.
Growing up, you probably felt like you couldn’t make friends easily, often feeling left out of social circles that you could fit in if given a chance. The loneliness accompanied you into adulthood, rendering you incapable of forming strong bonds of friendship, worrying that people might get “bored” of you.
Although feeling bored or ‘stuck in a rut’ are normal emotions, you exist in this state perpetually. For women, this results in daydreaming about a “knight in shining armor” who saves them from the hardships of the real world. They are so obsessed with this fantasy that they fail to see the people trying to befriend them in real life.
He Loves Me/ He Loves Me Not
Part of being in a relationship is the uncertainty that comes along with it. The person you love right now might become your spouse one day, or you might never see them again.
There is an investment that you make when you become intimate with someone, baring both body and soul, which might one day all be for naught. So, you analyze every action to see whether it reflects their love for you or not.
This becomes a vicious cycle, making the relationship a ticking time bomb, drudging on until someone calls it quits.
Believe in Your Partner
Maybe you have seen people have a falling out or get a divorce. You remember the anniversaries, the gifts, and the tokens of undying love all crash into a pile of tears and smoke, like it never even existed. Most children are always racked with guilt and blame themselves for the separation of their parents. This makes them develop self-doubt and issues with anxiety, with the one constant thought of not being good enough.
Another exhausting part of being in a relationship when you have low self-esteem is that you never believe your partner when they express their love for you. You are frantically searching their face for signs of mockery, or exaggeration, and even just plain deceit. How can they love me when I cannot even love myself? To you, each expression of their love for you looks like a hoax, smelling of false promises and lies.
We are living in an age of quick fixes and constant upgrades. Durability is no longer a criterion when making a purchase. We buy any object that holds our attention, and when we stop liking it, we exchange it in for something sleeker, smarter, or sexier.
If you have low regard for yourself, you might worry about how your partner might “exchange” you for someone better. This fear often ails you when you think your partner is more attractive, educated, or successful than you.
Your mind asks you what they see in you and convinces you that you are only a pit-stop before they find someone that suits them better.
Life Does Not Always Imitate Art
TV channels and online streaming websites have given us countless shows. Most of these glamourize infidelity and promiscuity, projecting it as inevitable and the most obvious path of action. People with low self-esteem often relate to the characters that are victims of unfaithful partners and internalize the habits and actions of those characters.
Finding comfort in suffering, these individuals inflict pain on themselves by overthinking about the actions of their partners, often passively accusing them of cheating, even when there is no real evidence of any. This sort of behavior stems from their unshakable belief that they are “unlovable.”
Sometimes, things can go awry, with manipulative individuals convincing their unconfident partners that they are always at fault. The former never apologizes and never puts in any real effort to change for the better. This one-sided “blame-game” can range from the abusive partner having explosive episodes over tiny mistakes to even physical torture.
Believing in yourself and trusting your partner is imperative in forming a strong, long-lasting bond. Self-esteem helps you choose partners that you love and see the red flags before they become too difficult to bear. It also helps to put yourself first and empathize with the needs and wants of others around you.
The Counselling and Wellbeing Centre can help you boost confidence and develop self-esteem much needed to have a healthy and meaningful relationship. You can call us now at (07) 3891 2273 to find more information or to schedule an appointment.